Hills and Valleys
Reflecting on the Journey So Far
Reminiscing on the past few years and envisioning the next five, I am at peace for the first time. There have been hills and valleys along my journey since I left for college at 18 in 2007 (we will save the whole story for another time).
Setting Standards and Finding Mentorship
In 2017, I decided to prioritize personal development. To grow, to learn, read books, listen to podcasts, and associate with “like-minded” people. This was in part, due to my time spending thousands of dollars a year for mentorship through an organization by the name of LTD. It was with LTD that I learned the importance of setting standards. My mentor at the time gave me advice that I still keep with me to this day. He said, “Chris, you live in a glass house. Because of who you’re choosing to be, people will be watching you.” Essentially, don’t give people a reason to doubt who you say you are. Be a man of integrity and one who stands on high moral ground. Set a standard for yourself.
The Impact of the Pandemic
As 2020 began, I was starting a new season of life. I accepted a new job at AvidXchange after being let go from my previous job at Asurion. Three months into my new job Covid-19 struck the United States, forcing everyone to stay home. Looking back, I thought I had it all together. Life wasn’t perfect by any means, but leading up to 2020, I believed old habits wouldn’t come back to haunt me. The truth is, as much as I thought I had outgrown the old versions of myself, they were only being suppressed.
There’s an old African Proverb that says, “If there is no enemy within, the devil can do us no harm.” During lockdown (covid pandemic), I had more time on my hands to think. More time allowed the mess I had suppressed for years to creep up. Instead of talking to someone, I doubled down on what I knew would numb the pain. Walking away from standards I said I wanted to uphold, allowing my environment, my lack of commitment to myself, and my goals to fall by the wayside.
Hitting Rock Bottom and Seeking Help
The start of my thirties, between 2020-2022 were some of the roughest years of my life. I questioned everything, especially myself. As much as I said my decisions were only affecting me, I hurt plenty of people while living in my chaos, including my son, my mom, my grandma, women I dated, and more. Eventually, I hit rock bottom. At this point, I had a decision to make. Allow the generational curse to continue—someone with massive potential to squander it all to satisfy the flesh. Not knowing where else to turn, I did the only thing I hadn’t done and sought professional help. You may be thinking this was an act of courage. But to be honest, I’m not sure that was the case. I was scared, I was losing everything, and, I was slipping further and further into this dark hole. Things were becoming so dark the only bright light I could see at the time were the moments I spent with my son. I've been told that my father was an amazing human with a kind heart. Unfortunately, my father's life ended at the age of twenty when I was a year old so we did not have the opportunity to get to know one another. But I had a chance to be there for my son. This relationship has never been easy to manage, but that was the hope I had at the time to heal and grow through my pain and my trauma. I learned after my healing journey began that trauma is passed down 7 generations, and if we are lucky, maybe we won't trigger it. Well, I triggered everything (women, drugs and alcohol, pornography) to be honest. I hated who I became. By the grace of God, I didn’t fall into habits that my biological grandfather had or those of my uncle. But was I any better? If I wasn’t, I had to be. I knew the outcome if I didn’t choose to change. Besides, my grandparents, my mom, my aunt, and my community from San Angelo sacrificed so much to raise me.
Pause for a moment: Pause for a moment and reflect: Are you truly happy with the person you see in the mirror?
Faith, Healing, and Redemption
2023-2024, I faced financial hardship, lost contact with my son, and continued my healing process. I found myself going to food banks, donating plasma, and taking odd jobs to get by. What most people saw was a highlight reel of my life on social media. In that time, I learned to set boundaries, something I had never done before. I began to understand the difference between loneliness and solitude, and I was able to shift my thinking. I asked myself, "How can you grow from this?" and "What next steps can you take to heal?" Looking back, I can see how all of the work I had been doing was leading me back to my faith. The interesting thing is that I have always had a relationship with God. Whether I choose to pursue it is another matter. On my 35th birthday, I rededicated my life to Christ. After all the pain and turmoil, God never left me. He always made a way, even when I couldn’t see it.
Lessons from the Fire
Healing is a journey. Growth and development is a process. Every valley brought lessons to learn from. Every hill humbled me because I knew what I had overcome. I wouldn’t be anywhere today, without my close network of family and friends, and more importantly, my Lord and Savior. In the fire, what I was experiencing was uncomfortable, I wanted to give up. I didn’t want to do this life anymore; not the way I had been doing it anyway.
Encouragement for the Reader
Regardless, of what you may be facing, trust that you will make it through to the other side. I started thanking God in advance. I began praising him before I saw anything change in my life. My encouragement to you as the reader is don’t lose faith. You are not in the fire alone. No weapon formed against you shall prosper. You are growing through the fire and being sharpened and prepared for the journey ahead. There is no test with no testimony. Your story will become someone else’s blueprint.
Hang in there. The battle has already been won. I love ya’ll. Peace.
#mentallyshredded
